Thursday, August 17, 2006


Blind and Loving It

This year, one of the most prominent sponsors of the New York Mets has been an entity mysteriously known as "Azek Trimboards". On radio broadcasts, it seems that Howie Rose and Tom McCarthy are contracturally obligated to mention the company's name on an inning-by-inning basis. At Shea Stadium, the logo is all over the place, inviting game attendees to endlessly contemplate -- "Just what is a trimboard? And who's Azek?".

Making matters more mystifying is the slogan of Azek Trimboards: "Once You Look, It's All You See." Uh, that's some pretty heavy shit, guys. All season long, I've been afraid to do the "looking" that would result in my constant "seeing" of Azek Trimboards. What if it's something I don't want to see, or something I'm not ready to see?

The novelist Arundhati Roy has famously said of injustice: "The trouble is that once you've seen it, you can't unsee it. And once you've seen it, keeping quiet, saying nothing, becomes as political as act as speaking out. There is no innocence. Either way, you're accountable".

This quote advances a theory that I've developed: Azek Trimboards is a revolutionary organization designed to destroy American complacency. They are infiltrating our nation's ballparks -- bastions of idyllic child-like innocence -- and attempting to destroy our collective myopia regarding national and world affairs.

Nice try, guys. But I'm on to you. And I'm happy with things as they are. I'll have a hot dog and another beer, sure. But as for your "trimboards" -- well, I refuse to look.

It seems obvious to me that trimboards are surfaces upon which men post pictures of women they've nailed.

"Nailed" - see what I did there?
I once sat in a two hour "learning session" about the might that is Azek Trimboards, a gift from the Gods! Those of you simpletons who have no idea what they are do not know what they are missing.

Or it's just a PVC based trim board. You know. Like what goes around your doorways. Yeah. I just ruined your life.
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